Comfort Zone

I am a pretty outgoing person and there are not very many things that really make me nervous. I enjoy meeting new people, I am comfortable talking in front of crowds of people, and I am confident in almost any social setting. But recently I found myself in an uncomfortable situation and I was ready to run for the hills! I needed to have my picture taken…of just me…all by myself (insert green barfing face emoji)!

Ever since I started blogging, I wanted to get the blog site looking all professional. I researched other bloggers and their blog sites, and one of my favorite things about their pages was their pictures. I loved seeing the face behind the name and wanted to be that welcoming as well.

Scheduling the photo shoot was no problem. We booked a date and I went shopping. I had been looking for a new pair of jeans and just needed a reason to buy them. I went out, bought the jeans and a few shirts, pulled a few things from my closet, and I was all set. I chose a few pair of shoes and some jewelry. The morning of the photo shoot, I woke up super early so I could fix my hair and I spent extra time on my make up. I finally got everyone off to school and then me and our 3 year-old were off to meet the photographer.

As excited as I was to have the photo shoot, I couldn’t sleep the night before. I was sick and nervous and wished the whole thing could be canceled. My anxious feelings continued throughout the morning as I was getting ready, and part of me wished one of the kids would have gotten sick or there would have been some other reason for me to need to stay home. None of those things happened. The entire two and a half hour drive over there was so nerve racking, and I just wanted to turn around.

See, I had not had my picture taken, of just me all by myself, since my bridal pictures nearly 20 years ago. I think the time before that would have been my senior portraits. The only other times since then would have been the yearbook picture taken of me each year I was a teacher. You know, the standard head shot…”Look this way, chin up, smile, good, next.”

All of the other portraits between then and now have been family pictures. Turns out, if you have enough kids, all you have to do is hide behind a couple of them, smile, and you’re all good. That has been a fool-proof plan for years now!

I was also apprehensive because being in any picture was kind of a renewed thing for me. A year and a half ago, when scrolling through the camera roll on my phone, I had come across some pictures the little kids had taken of me and I was horrified. I had put on some weight and I did not like the way I looked at all. My posture was bad, I wasn’t smiling, and I was trying very hard not to have my picture taken in the first place. After seeing that picture, I scrolled through my camera roll to see if there were others. I was actually more horrified to find out there weren’t. I had erased myself from the activities and events we had taken pictures of and I realized I had been hiding.

I knew then it wasn’t about the weight gain. I mean, that was part of it, but more so I knew I had not been taking care of myself at all…not physically, not spiritually, not emotionally. I had become so wrapped up in other things and other people that I was neglecting to take care of myself. I knew that if I were going to be all that I could be for my family, I was going to have to include myself in the list of people I was going to care for.

I made a decision and I started eating better, I started working out again, I started calling people up and doing things with friends. I stopped watching so much Netflix and found some good books to read. I even shared my journey on social media, selfies included. I did not want to disappear or hide out for another day.

This journey ultimately led to some outward changes, but those changes cannot be matched to the inward changes that occurred. I let go of some mom-guilt and instead allowed myself the time and freedom to take care of myself. I got stern with the kids about food choices so that we could all eat better. And I learned the number one thing that makes anyone look good in any picture is the smile on their face. I let go of worrying about how I looked in pictures, and instead put on the biggest smile and got in any picture at anytime!

That was all good and fine until it was time for that lone photo shoot. No selfie, no filters, no smiling in a picture with the kids. Just me and what I thought were all my flaws.

I told my amazing photographer friend that morning about how nervous I was feeling. She blew it off and we got going. She made the day so much fun I forgot to feel nervous and self-conscious.

Several days later when I got the final photos, I could not believe what I was seeing. For the first time in my adult life, I was not hiding behind our precious children. For the first time in my adult life, I was happy with what I was seeing. For the first time in my adult life, I could notice more of what I liked and less of what I didn’t.

I have been very fortunate to be surrounded by family and friends that always encourage, support, and compliment me. But the truth is, no matter what anyone may tell us, it’s what we tell ourselves we usually hear the loudest and what we choose to see is what we tend to believe. I am learning to give myself good positive talk and I am learning to love the person I see. I am also learning to be visible! There will come a day when I am long gone and our kids will be sifting through the photos. I want them to see and to remember a mom that was full of love and laughter, full of fun and joy, always around and always smiling.

I am telling you, give yourself some love, give yourself some grace, give yourself time to take care of you, and get in those pictures! I have found, the more times I can cross over out of my comfort zone and come out unscathed, the more I like the person that comes out on the other side!