In the Rearview Mirror

I can still remember the first time I had to drop him off at a new place.  Our firstborn, our little baby boy.  Until that day, he had only stayed with family or at home with a babysitter.  But on this day, I had to drop him off to a new babysitter on my first day of work.  I can still see him, dressed in a little collared shirt and jeans, his little blue tennis shoes sticking out over the edge of the carseat.  I dropped him off, barely keeping myself together, and I drove away with tears in my eyes.  I remember looking through the rearview mirror as I pulled away, making sure he was safe inside.

When he was four and entered into Pre-K, I was a nervous wreck. I couldn’t believe this little baby, this four year-old would be away from me and at “big school” all day long.  And the tugs at the heart continued through soccer practices, basketball practices, religious class, and kid parties. You hug them, you kiss them, and you remind them everything is ok and you will be right back.  Then I would drive away, looking in the rearview mirror, just to make sure he made it inside.  

Then suddenly, one day, you are teaching that little kid to drive. If you have not handed over your vehicle to the same kid you have watched crash their bike, scooter, etc., then you just haven’t lived.  There’s really something unbelievable about moving a kid from a carseat, to a big seat, to a front seat, to a driver’s seat!  But then one day, there you are, in the passenger seat, looking at this baby face of a person that accelerates too quickly, brakes too hard, turns too sharply.

But even the teaching phase does not last very long.  Next thing you know, they know what they are doing, and they are out on their own.  No more drop offs, no more taxiing around, no more checking in the rearview mirror.

This weekend was a huge test of just how far our little baby (and his mama) has come.  Several months ago he came to us to tell us he wanted to attend the Austin City Limits Music Festival.  A couple of things to keep in mind…this festival happens to be less than 30 minutes from where we live; also keep in mind this festival is the third largest of its kind.  I thought I was going to have a panic attack when he asked!  But we talked through it, he bought his ticket with money he earned over the summer, and together we made his plans.  He decided he would take the train rather than drive into downtown, he would scooter around the city rather than need a bus or an Uber, and he would take his money and phone and carry it in a fanny pack (what a cool kid)!  

Leading up to the festival we read blogs, FAQs, and talked to people who regularly attend.  We talked about ways to stay safe and to call if he needed anything at all.  He made plans with his youth group leader knowing he would be out at the concert and not at youth group.  He even attended Mass at 7:30 Sunday morning so he would not miss any of the festival concerts.  He had really planned it all out! What we could not have planned for was how him leaving out on his own would make me feel.

You should have seen me Friday afternoon.  He was all ready, everything was all planned.  I must have asked him 100 times if his phone was charged, if he had his money, and if he needed anything else.  I reminded him we were less than 30 minutes away and to call or text for anything.  And even after all the preparation and the hugs, there I was, standing in the driveway, watching until he drove away.  

I don’t know if he looked back in the rearview mirror to see me standing in the driveway.  I kind of hope he didn’t because I would rather know he was watching the road.  I kind of hope he didn’t because I stood there waving longer than I should have.  

Just like I would remind him when he was little, everything is ok and I will be right back, I simply stood there in the driveway and reminded myself of the same thing.