Perfect Parenting

There is no such thing as perfect parenting.

Let me say that again. There is no such thing as perfect parenting.

Here it is one more time for the people in the back. There is no such thing as perfect parenting.

If you are in doubt, I can assure you that if there were such a thing, whoever came up with it would be a gajillionaire right now! We would have all read the book, we would have all listened to the podcast, and we would have all attended the weekend-long event. But that hasn’t happened because there is no such thing.

I think we all, at one point or another, are sure we will do it well, that we will do it better, that we will somehow avoid the mistakes and pitfalls of other parents. Some of us vow not to do a thing like our own parents, and some of us just look around and say, “Did you see that lady and her kid in the store? I would never!”

Some of us read all of the books and we are experts before the little bundle of joy even arrives. We are armed with tips and tricks, ready with a new parenting fad for each kid phase. 

Some of us might readily admit, “I know there is no such thing as perfect parenting, I just want to do the best I can do.” And I like that. And that is admirable. And that will get you through most days.

Until the day you feel less than perfect. Until the day you feel like a complete failure. Until the day you wonder where you went wrong. Until the day you realize you have no idea what you are doing.

These days do come.

It could be the day the baby is crying and you are crying, and you have no idea how to help the baby and you have no idea how to help yourself.

It could be the day your little one gets hurt and you know that had you been one step ahead, had you taken one more extra precaution, you feel like you could have kept that something from happening.

Or it could be the day you pay attention to the symptoms, you seek help, and you finally get a diagnosis and you wonder how could you not have seen this sooner?

It might be the day your kid finally confides in you how they are being treated at school and you realize they have been putting up with an awful lot of hurt, and you had no idea it was happening, and you have no idea how to heal the pain or how to make it stop.

It could happen the day when it is you who the teacher wants a conference with, the day it is you who the principal is calling, the day it is you who is left to figure out where to go from here.

It could be the day your almost-grown-up kid is making decisions you wouldn’t make for them, and you realize you cannot support what they are doing nor can you make them change their minds.

You can say all you want that you do not have to be a perfect parent, but being anything less feels terrible. The reality of not being a perfect parent is that we are imperfect and that leaves room for lots of mistakes. Mistakes on all of our parts. 

But there is hope. 

The good news is none of us, not a single one has mastered perfect parenting. I don’t care what you see on social media, I don’t care whose kid is going to which college, I don’t care what award was given, I don’t care which game was won. I don’t care who put together the perfect nursery, I don’t care who monogrammed their water bottles, backpacks, and lunch kits, I don’t care who goes to more sporting events than they can count. At the end of the day, we are all just trying. At the end of the day, we are all tired and mostly clueless. At the end of the day, we are recounting our faults and hoping no one else noticed. 

Let us start here and now and recognize none of us are perfect and none of us are perfect parents either. Let us start to share our trials and our triumphs, let us unite over what makes us the same and what makes us different, let us be open about our hardships in the hope it lightens the load for someone else, and let us not pass judgment and rather help one another find joy.

The truth is, yes, we cannot give perfect parenting but we can give them perfect love. When we do everything we think is right so that we can sleep at night, that is perfect love. When we use every ounce of strength within us to hold our ground to do what is best, that is perfect love. When we tear ourselves down and then build ourselves back up because we know someone is counting on us, that is perfect love. When we show up, when we don’t give up, when we don’t give in, when we keep loving them anyway, that is perfect love. 

As a reminder to myself that there is no perfect parenting, I think about the Holy Family. I think about Mary and Joseph and their little son, Jesus. I think about the story of when Jesus was left behind and was found days later in the temple. That’s good, Jesus was found and he was in his “Father’s house.” Sweet story. But let’s talk about Mary and Jospeh. Mary was literally chosen by God to be the mother of Christ. Wow. She was literally visited by an angel and became pregnant…with God’s son. Wow. Joseph was also specially chosen to be Mary’s husband and to raise the Christ-child. Wow. 

AND THEY LOST JESUS! 

Can you imagine the panic?!? All of that to say, if Mary and Joseph can mess up, and it be recorded for all time, seems like I can accept the things I have done or not done in my imperfect parenting!

So lighten up, go easy on yourself. When you find something that works, do it again. When you find something that doesn’t, then do not do that thing again. Smile at your kids, hug your kids, pray for your kids, tell your kids you love them, and like Mary and Joseph, find your kids when they are lost. The truth is, there is no perfect parenting but we can love them perfectly!